//Cautious Optimism

Cautious Optimism


The end of old things and the beginning of new ones. As I approach the one year mark since I had to forego alcohol in favor of life and sanity, it is reasonable (I think) to want to put current events in my life into perspective.

Today was fairly chilly out, about average for November, and it didn’t phase me one iota. I have a nice new winter jacket that I bought for myself and another that I received courtesy of Back on My Feet. I haven’t bought a pair of boots yet, but I have the money saved for that.

Last year I was living at the homeless shelter, the year before that I was wearing out my welcome at a friend’s apartment and the year before that I was making a mess of things in both Virginia and Pennsylvania. It should come as no surprise then that I am not exactly overjoyed at the approach of the holidays this year.

My chief concern this holiday season is deciding which college I will be attending in January. My recent induction in Phi Theta Kappa has opened some new possibilities for me regarding housing and scholarships. 

Phi Theta Kappa

I have been secretly yearning to be invited to join the Honors Society. I pretended that I wasn’t interested and that it was no big deal when my name was overlooked at the beginning of the semester and the meetings were being conducted right in my own office. Apparently, the surprise shown by some staff was genuine when they realized that I hadn’t been nominated. Now, I have to keep pretending that is still not a huge deal, but I am smiling inside. Besides the prestige that comes from this honor and its ancillary benefits, I have the respect of my peers (regarding my academic ability at least – my life choices are doubtless not as admired).


One year ago I was drowning my misery in alcohol and dreading each and every day. This year I have a lot more good days than bad ones, but at least I am not drinking myself into oblivion. I get to make difficult decisions about my future; decisions not based solely on survival, but on possibility and cautious optimism. I am not so naive as to think that everything will be smooth sailing from now on, but at least I know I can handle whatever comes up.

change of physical form, structure, or substance especially by supernatural means

I am having more fun than ever pushing the boundaries of my mathematical education. Every day brings new wonders! [I have to find out where the people who love math as much as I do hang out.] Just my like, the math club meets this evening and, as usual, I forgot about it until I was already home from work study.


That is definitely my word of the day for tomorrow! It means: to avoid giving a definitive answer or to change one’s opinion about something frequently. Some synonyms might be vacillate or equivocate.

verb ter·gi·ver·sate \ˈtər-jə-vər-ˌsāt;ˌtər-ˈji-vər-ˌsāt,-ˈgi-;ˌtər-jə-ˈvə

I’ll bet that is what my therapist writes in her notes – B. is tergiversative about what he expects to find at a new school in January. Way back when I was in rehab the first time, we would “check-in” several times a day and try to sum up your mood in one word. My favorite was obfuscated, but that was before I found tergiversate! Happy day!

Today’s rundown

  1. Therapist – actually a good time
  2. Haircut – #2 all the way around, stop letting them talk me into the comb over bullshit
  3. Recovery center – to brag about the Honor Society
  4. Narcan –  I relented and accepted the free life saving overdose remedy
  5. Dollar store – coat hooks, tape measure and toothpaste, can’t beat the Dollar Tree
  6. Lunch – regretfully stopped at Burger King
  7. Work study – I only got paid for half of my hours (not good)
  8. Homework – there is always homework, now it’s diff eq and electrical circuits
  9. Posting – the fruits of my labor

Armistice Day

Tomorrow is supposed to be real winter cold for the first time since, well, last winter. My school is closed on account of Veteran’s Day, which nobody remembers anymore used to be called Armistice Day (when Germany ceased hostilities and ending World War I – there was no “victory” so, World War II shouldn’t really have surprised anybody). For my part, I have agreed to end any conflicts that may still be smoldering among the “wreckage of my past”. 

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

My attention is deservedly focused on my options for post-Quincy College life and both narrowing and strengthening the realistic and eudaimonic  possibilities. I will visit Bridgewater State on Saturday. The plan (insofar as I have one) is to find out about the Honors residence hall. Now that I am a member of the National Honor Society, Phi Theta Kappa, I can hopefully gain access. If that is the case, I will make up my mind right then and there to commit to Bridgewater State for the upcoming term(s).

Misfit College Fund 2018

$56 of $1,975 raised
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