I was dreaming I was happy
It’s Sunday, and I’m just wasting time. I hate wasting time. What else can I do though? Tomorrow (God willing) we can resume normal running activities, even if that means staying inside at the Y until the snow melts. I also need to visit academic advising at school tomorrow to a) pick up my section 30 application for unemployment, though it’s doubtful I will be able to collect any additional monies, and b) to make certain my status as a math major and my uninterrupted access to financial aid. Neither of those things will take long, but they are essential to my peace (or piece?) of mind for the upcoming semester. Before I try to get a handle on all of the unknown quantities in my life let me begin by assessing and nailing down all of the things that I do know. A disquietingly short list.
As long as my status at QC is secure for the spring and I can continue working at my work study position I can breathe a little easier. It would be nice if my living situation were not so uncomfortable, but for a person who hasn’t had a “real” job in over a year I guess I should be happy that I have a place to sleep at all. Ungrateful wretch that I am!
My classes will be challenging, but (let’s be honest here) it’s nothing that I can’t handle. I’m also going to keep working on my online computer science class at Harvard (pronounced hah-vahd) because a) I want to formally learn the fundamentals of computer science and b) it gives me hope that maybe, someday, I too will escape this derelict neighborhood for … for what? Harvard’s ivy covered walls, some imaginary academic paradise in Estonia, the endless sunshine of California?
“Vladimir: I don’t understand.
Estragon: Use your intelligence, can’t you?
Vladimir uses his intelligence.
Vladimir: (finally) I remain in the dark.”
Perhaps he could dance first, and think afterwards
Now, we get to the heart of my unease. My discontent with what I have, the longing for what I don’t have, the disconnect between the two all stem from the fact that I have not the faintest idea of what I really want. In my imaginings I always place my feet in someone else’s shoes; making their decisions, going where they went, studying and working where they do. I have the sneaky suspicion that what is the right path for me is unknown to me. So, how can I decide what to do about anything?
Writing about all of this helps. It may not be the catharsis I need (surely, that will come with the spring and baseball season and another birthday), but I can continue through myriad small actions to create in my surroundings a sanctuary of sorts. A place, more of a disposition than an actual place, a head space if you will where my intent can meet with reality and the two can figure out a compromise about how best I can achieve at least a modicum of contentment in this life.
My goals keep changing however, making it all the more difficult to select the right action. Yesterday, all I wanted to do was get accepted to two schools, pick the one that offered the most financial aid and be on my way. Now, I am entertaining ideas of attending Harvard and getting my passport reissued (replacing the one I lost four years ago) so I can be considered for study abroad opportunities. I have even picked Estonia as the country I would prefer to study and work in. Why Estonia? I read an article in the New Yorker(https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/18/estonia-the-digital-republic) and it just seemed idyllic to a romantic technocracy theorist who harbors delusions of superiority and a nascent messiah complex. (I made up that last part about the messianic delusions, but I do have a latent disposition towards martyrdom.)
I have almost finished the next issue of the bi-monthly newsletter I write for the recovery center. Unlike this blog, people actually read the newsletter – probably because they are forced to by staff or nurses at various treatment facilities and waiting rooms where it might be found. Regardless, I continue to fill up the pages with my thoughts and my hopes. With that out of the way I am free to concentrate on my online course for two weeks until it has to take a back seat to my more formal studies. The time will speed by as January gives way to fleeting February and before-you-know-what-happened it will be spring in Estonia. The University of Tartu awaits.
For real, though! Why am I selling myself short and settling for Bridgewater State when there are so many possibilities? Whence come these blinders and handicaps and imaginary obstacles that I am too afraid to even look up at the sky, let alone aim for it? The answer is as straightforward as anything can be.
The only (ONLY) thing preventing me from having everything that I want in this world is, … (now wait for it), ME!
With that being said, what am I going to do tomorrow to make anything happen?
- For starters I’m not going to spend all day sitting on my butt.
- I will fulfill the necessary obligations to solidify my status at my college, I will find out if a picture I take on my iPad is acceptable for a passport or if I have to go to CVS.
- If it is the latter, then I will go to CVS and get it done so I can pay the $100 and get myself a new passport.
- I have already left two messages with the blood lab regarding my availability for the next several weeks.
- I will file the necessary papers with the Department of Unemployment Assistance but without any expectations.
- I will mail the birthday gift for my brother, it’s not due until the 14th so no worries, but while I’m getting shit done I might as well get that done.
- I’m sure there are other really important things that I am completely forgetting, but I didn’t make a list.
- I will read Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot” which I picked up at the library on a whim and thus be prepared to write a glowing review of the play my friend is starring in this weekend.
The futility of my rage
It avails me nothing to vent my frustrations at these sorry excuses for humans that live here with. How can I get angry when one of these turds asks me for something that he could easily do himself? Do I point out how I never ask anybody for anything? Do they think it’s funny to see me get flustered at their unnecessary solicitations. Do you have change for the wash and proceed to tell me all about why they don’t have any quarters. I don’t care, and No I don’t have any f***ing quarters when really I have a whole box full of them.
I get it. They don’t know any better. By the same token I have no right to chastise the puppy for being what he is – a dog; a poorly trained, unsupervised, young, excitable, and cute little dog. So, I do what I can do, which is sit here patiently, cope as best I can and wait. I know that I have to be patient, focus on myself and repeat the old adages to myself ad infinitum, but it’s not always that easy. I will wait and work on myself and learn about CBT while I learn calculus based statistics and prepare for quantum mechanics. I will wait forever if that’s how long it takes for me to fidure out that I don’t know anything..