Firsts for Today
The title is misleading because nothing that I did today was a first. What was brand new though was how I conducted myself and the shear fact that I have my own goals and am taking an active role in my life. That is what I am learning. This is a first just like going to rehab on my own was a first, getting a doctor on my own or a driver’s license or any of a dozen ways that I am making the decisions that will shape my life. For good or for bad.
Almost everyday you fall
Upon my waking eyes
Inviting and inciting me
Not Firsts, but New Again
I had to ride the commuter rail to the campus of Bridgewater State. The commuter rail is more expansive than a subway but not quite Amtrak. The regional railway network is actually pretty cool, but it has been plagued by mismanagement and technical problems since its beginning.
- Arrived at 9:45 am (didn’t miss much)
- Mistaken for visiting professor (do I look that old!)
- Toured geology and physics wing
- Nice modern labs
- Astrophysics Lab! (What! SOLD!)
- GR Lab (in case you don’t know, GR is short for General Relativity!)
- Amazing bathrooms
- Still looking for Pam’s niece Shannon
- 11:00 housing presentation (fingers crossed)
- 11:30 honors program information
- Met Shannon, she is a sweet girl and possible ally
- Still have big questions about housing and financial aid
This where I need MRC to come up big. If I am only eligible for the same amount of financial aid at BSU as at QC then there is a gap of roughly $15,000 that I need to bridge.
I See a Little Light
Walking around the campus was exhilarating. I felt alternately at home and like a foreigner. I could envision myself using the microlensing lasers one instant, the next I was scared to touch anything for fear that I might break something. The overwhelming feeling was that I wanted to belong there. Do I belong there? That is my deepest, darkest fear. The fear that I don’t belong there and never will, that I have been fooling myself all along and my whole life has been one big laugh at me.
And through the window in the wall
Come streaming in on sunlight wings
A million bright ambassadors of morning
The campus, the hallways, the students, everything there was in such stark contrast with Community college. I want to do independent research projects, compete for grants, and meet stimulating people. I have to keep telling myself that I Do Belong There. It was liberating to be in an environment where I can talk about wanting to become a Physics professor without snickers from the audience. Today I got a glimpse of what life can be like – sober, unafraid and free.
I can’t run from my problems (I have learned that), but it doesn’t mean that I have to wallow in them all day long. There is a world after treatment and rehab; where there are not wall to wall adages and apothegms about recovery and faith, where not all meetings are anonymous and shameful, where I don’t carry the epithet of addict like some damned albatross.
Overhead the albatross
Hangs motionless upon the air
This is another instance of it being time to come down off the cross, stop trying to be a martyr – everybody suffers (as far as Universal truths go, that might be the only sure bet). I don’t need to be surrounded by the homeless, the recovering addicts and alcoholics, the dual diagnoses, the “Livin’ the Dream”, basement dwelling, forever apologizing, moralizing and demonizing people I have become so comfortable with and identify with.
Time to Get Over Myself
I’m trying not to get all excited because there is so much that needs to happen between now and then (when is that?) To rephrase; in order to meet my somewhat arbitrary deadline of starting a new school in January there are certain elements that need to occur by the first week of December for that to become a reality. To that end I am going to compose an email to the admissions board, or director or whoever, about my eagerness to attend the University and outline my hopes for my education and career. I have no idea if it will make a difference, but I will at least feel like I am not sitting by idly waiting for someone else to decide my fate.
And no one sings me lullabys
And no one makes me close my eyes
So I throw the windows wide
And call to you across the sky
I’m going to revamp my donation page. My style (if I can be said to have any) has changed considerably since this site’s inception. That doesn’t change how the donations work. Earthbound Misfit has a Paypal account which all of the various donation buttons lead to. There is just the one and only one Earthbound Misfit, but my needs sometimes change. Paying for college is still my top priority, but sometimes shelter, or food, or transportation becomes an immediate concern.