I was on the T heading towards home after a race and I had a great idea for a post. It’s a shame I didn’t write myself a note or something.
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
One thing I am trying to figure out is how to add a new font and a new element or style to my posts. I want to create something similar to Blockquote but called, for example, Hand Writing. By selecting the attribute “handwriting” a set of style rules would be applied; font, size, color, etc… the same way as when I select the blockquote icon. There are ways to accomplish this, but they all involve editing the CSS, which I would like to avoid.
What was I thinking about? I can try to recreate my mental state and see if that conjures up any reminiscences. I was on the T. I had just run a 5k race and was feeling pretty good about my performance. My head was a little foggy, I remember, and my hands were full – I think I left my race shirt on the T. Usually in those moments I am thinking about how awesome I am and all of the productive things I do for my recovery.
Is this not what you expected to see?
I am putting off doing homework for a little while this afternoon. It seems like I eat, drink, and sleep homework and specifically differential equations. I don’t know if it is healthy for me to spend so much time on one subject, but I don’t obsess or become fixated or become despondent over failure. In other words there is no underlying pathology to make my enthusiasm for math seem anything other than that – enthusiasm.
Back to my original problem: What the hell was I thinking about earlier that seemed so important at the time? Using the scientific process of “judicious guessing” (how can I make sarcasm evident in my typing – all I can think of is to put my words into characters mouths). That is something I could try my hand at, creating a dialog between myself and Someone Who Knows… It just came to me, what I was thinking about!
Destruction of the Ego
It was in the context of defining that step which is absolutely necessary for a person to take to begin changing one’s life. Different programs use different language, but the theme is the same: to free your life from the grip of addiction and find some modicum of peace in this world you must be willing to change. It sounds easy. but what is easy is saying those words and aping the actions without actually changing your fundamental value system. For that to happen there must be a catalyzing force which is usually called Faith, or Surrender, or Acceptance – or all of those things.
In perfect isolation here behind my wall
Anyway, I was doing my usual defending myself against myself in an internal debate over which one of me was right. I was saying that what so many people who are struggling in recovery fail to grasp is that the process of surrender or accepting or believing is not about deciding all of a sudden ‘Eureka!’ that the answer is Jesus. The step that needs to be taken is the one where the dominant ego that you believe is the real you is silenced and you are allowed to think for yourself for the first time in a long time, maybe forever. Jung had a lot to say about this.
Don’t look so frightened
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days.
It sounded so much better in my head
If everything in my head came out the way I planned my life would be even more like the Twilight Zone than it already is sometimes. What would be better would be if this turned out the way I had planned on planning them. Or better yet, let others worry about the planning and just leave the heavy lifting of mathematics to me…
The kingdom of heaven is as when a man, going into another country, called his own servants, and delivered them his goods. And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one; to each according to his several ability.’ — Matt.25:14