//The Abyss of Ignorance

The Abyss of Ignorance

Why Zarathustra?

At my weekly therapy session I allowed myself to vent my frustrations about having no one to “talk shop” with. I learn math and love it, but in a vacuum. Once the class is over I am plunged back into a world of darkness. I feel like a madman from some kafkaesque dystopian society screaming at the mole people who have no eyes, “but can’t you see the light!” It is to this horror I am consigned to each evening when classes are over and the school is deserted. I don’t have enough work yet to stay here until 8:00 pm. Hopefully there is math club tomorrow and the possibility of intelligent conversation (frankly, I am too unsure of myself to attempt the chess club, but maybe … .)


“But the worst enemy you can meet will always be yourself; you lie in wait for yourself in caverns and forests. Lonely one, you are going the way to yourself! And your way goes past yourself, and past your seven devils! You will be a heretic to yourself and witch and soothsayer and fool and doubter and unholy one and villain. You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame: how could you become new, if you had not first become ashes?”


I paid my rent last week and immediately reverted to complacency and acceptance of a thoroughly unsatisfactory situation. That is not a strong enough term (I vented about this as well to my therapist) – I hate the house and the people who live there. I shouldn’t care or let it get to me, but I feel worn down by it, as if I have been holding back the tide for so long that I don’t care anymore if it overcomes me. That’s not true and I’m not defeated and I definitely am not about to give up, but don’t expect me to feel an ounce of pity, regret or remorse when I have to climb over their bodies to get where I need to go.

How much longer will I be able to withstand the opprobrium of puerile and impotent zombies – “… sick and dirty, more dead than alive …” (thanks Lou Reed)? I have to get back into being active and get my ass into a better sober house. So, tomorrow I will fax my application to the one house on Front St and call up the Copeland St place again (this time before 6 o’clock when I have a chance of getting a person on the phone). Everything else turned into dead ends, so it looks like the only viable option is another sober house. I’m okay with that because I probably shouldn’t be trusted on my own yet. It is just the urine testing business that poses the supreme hurdle, and I have been public about that issue with house managers.

Something a Little Lighter

It was during my Mathematical Proofs class that I had the most fun today. We were talking about well defined sets of numbers {insert LaTeX code here} and I could not help but play the scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail with the Holy Hand Grenade over in my head. The beauty of Monty Python’s humor is the confusion and hilarity that results from misunderstanding language that is not well defined or misused.


BROTHER: [reading] “And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.’”

New Languages

I find it interesting that I find myself learning the language of pure mathematics in one class and Visual C programming language in another class while all along I have been teaching myself LaTeX code and CSS. I wonder if what I’m really searching for is a way to communicate with the world. Food for thought, that is.

\displaystyle \text{Find the limit of the following sequence, or determine that it diverges.}\\ \newline \left \{ \left ( \frac{n}{n+5} \right )^{n} \right \} \\ L=\lim_{n\rightarrow \infty}\left ( \frac{n}{n+5} \right )^{n} \\ \ln L=\lim_{n\rightarrow \infty} n \; \ln \left ( \frac{n}{n+5} \right ) \\ \newline \text{evaluating the limit at this point results in}\:\infty \times 0 \\ \text{by rewriting the expression as:} \\ \newline \ln L=\lim_{n\rightarrow \infty}\frac{\ln\left ( \frac{n}{n+5} \right )}{1/n} \text{we have the indeterminate form 0/0} \\ \newline \text {using l'hopital's rule we get} \\ \newline \lim_{n \rightarrow \infty} \frac{\frac{n+5}{n}\frac{\left ( n+5-n \right )}{\left ( n+5 \right )^2}}{\frac{-1}{n^2}} \\ \newline \text{when the dust clears, we are left with} \\ \newline \ln L= \lim_{n \rightarrow \infty} \left ( \frac{-5n}{n+5} \right )=-5 \\ \newline L=e^{\ln L}=e^{-5}



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One by one all the idiots are leaving the house. The only problem with that is that the empty beds get filled by recidivists.