‘Tell me about the waters of your homeworld, Usul.’Frank Herbert, Dune
One more lazy summer
I have been especially lazy the last few days. There’s no real excuse or justification for my lack of motivation. I am stuck in a deep rut. Again. It’s part of an ongoing cycle between excessive working or studying or both followed by a period of withdrawal and depression. Now, I am in the isolated and depressed phase. Self-awareness has taught me that this won’t last forever. I just need to find something constructive to do with my time – besides eat.
Another summer means another mid-season collapse for both the Sox and my fantasy team, aptly called the Calamity. Currently, my team is in second place and wrapping up a pivotal matchup with the first-place team. I know how pointless and ridiculous it is but I am trying my best to win again. In a world where my failures loom over me much more than my triumphs, I hang on to things that I can succeed it. And the trophy is quite a prize!
Everybody else is doing it
The rest of America, and even my relatives overseas, are celebrating the Fourth of July on Sunday. I don’t have any plans because I don’t have any friends or family. Oh well. Contrary to what so many people tell me, I don’t need other people around to make me happy. In fact, having other people around makes me uptight and anxious. Last week, when I drove down route 7, I passed a stand, more like a shack, advertising fireworks for sale. Drinking and fireworks were always a good combination in the past. Without the booze and company it wouldn’t be as fun.
One thing that has me a little concerned is the sudden, but not unexpected, cessation of psychological therapy and medication. I’m pretty sure I can find counseling services if I need it but the meds, I’m not so sure. I have been taking medication since I got out of rehab, almost five years ago. The one prescription that I’m worried about is called mirtazapine. It’s an antidepressant that has the added bonus of making it easy to fall asleep. There’s no sleeping pill hangover either. The reason I worry is because sleeplessness or insomnia is something I fear would drive me to drink again.
The insurance that I will get through the university doesn’t start until August 1 and my current prescription runs out on the 30th. The best plan I have now is skip days to save up some pills. That’s not ideal but the best I can do with what I know today. Next week, on Tuesday, because Monday is the observed holiday, I should contact the Department of Mental Health and see if they can help me in the short term. I don’t want to be taking medication for the rest of my life, but I’m not ready to give up that one prescription yet. The others I can leave and that includes the CBD and edible marijuana goodies (maybe not those completely). Sleep is important for my well-being, even more so when I’m feeling depressed like I’ve been lately.
In my folly, I have once again started a fight with the all-powerful Microsoft Corporation. Two weeks ago, roughly, I reinstalled everything on my laptop and to my chagrin I now receive notifications about every Red Sox game. The problem is that I don’t have the schedule in Outlook. I haven’t wanted these reminders in over a year. I have searched the internet for solutions and gotten live tech support – nothing rids me of these bothersome alerts. It seems like such a trivial thing but I find this so frustrating. That’s probably because I’m not in control of it and the need to control stuff has figured heavily into my psychological (mis)-development.
Plans for July
In spite of my restlessness and lack of motivation (a combination that should be avoided), I have scheduled an appointment to get a Vermont driver’s license later this month. I don’t know about registering my car though. The paperwork for that is a lot more intimidating and I have no idea which sections of which forms I need to fill out. This will be my second interaction with the local bureaucracy, I successfully managed to enroll in food stamps up here already. As I mentioned above, soon I will also have to contact local health services. I just want to have all the day-to-day stuff like health insurance, car registrations, updated insurance, and the like to be settled by the time grad school starts in September.